Now I adore my boys, I wouldn't swap them or change them for the world. (unless we were talking about sleep. I would definitely make them sleep more if I could.) I love them, bogeys, willies, snails, slugs and all.
I will love playing trucks and trains.
I will love building elaborate toys.
I will love building dens.
I will kiss many grazed knees, bumped heads, and twisted ankles from rough play.
I will clean up dirty hands and muddy shoes.
I will tend to hearts broken by mean girls.
I will weather through obsessions with their willies (and accept that this is one phase that will never die!)
I have a bond with my sons that is unbreakable, unchanging, and forever. Their tiny hands have made the biggest imprints on my heart.
And yet, when I found out my sister-in-law is expecting a girl I felt a knot in my stomach. I felt the unspeakable nausea from knowing a secret we don't speak about as mothers.
I'd love a little girl.
If given the option to swap my boys for girls, I'd say no in a heartbeat. I've always wanted boys. I love picking out their clothes and playing cars and having mummy cuddles.
So why, when I found out she was pregnant did I wish so hard it was a boy? And why was I so disappointed it was a girl?
I think I've had to come to terms with feelings I didn't realize were there. I don't want any more children, SB was my last Bear. I think it's knowing that I won't ever have a girl that makes me a little sad.
But nowhere near as sad as not having any more babies. As SB is beginning to crawl, and cruise, and grow, it tugs at my heart that this baby phase will only last a little longer. That soon he will push away my arms when I want a cuddle. That I'll never again feel that rush of emotion when my new baby is first in my arms.
Feeling the overwhelming urge to wake my sleeping babies for cuddles!!
xxx
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